I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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