I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
