My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
