the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
