Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just pee around me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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