She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
