My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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