I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
