wat bout pragnant strippers??
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
