Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
