Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
