I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
