i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
