Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
