it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
