I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
