Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
