I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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