Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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