he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
