I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
