Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize