if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
