theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
