she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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