I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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