I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i now understand why vodka
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
