P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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