i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
