When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
