Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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