Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
