dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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