found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The adults are the big ones right?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
