I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
