what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
