What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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