did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
