Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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