So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
