I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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