somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i now understand why vodka
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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