My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
