The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
