i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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