Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
