I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
