Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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