I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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