I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
