I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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