My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
