He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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