my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize