I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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