paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
